Friday 16 May 2014

Just be yourself

Those words
"Just be yourself" is something I have said to all my children many times throughout their life, because being themselves IS good enough, it IS great that they can be who they are.
I have always said that I would be very sad if my kids didn't feel they could simply 'be themselves' around me.
You see, my Mother never said those words, she never told me to just be myself. She told me to lie and be someone else, and that 'someone else' would change many times, until I simply didn't really know WHO I was.
Because for my Mother, being myself just was not an option.
Not even for my Grandmother either really.

Total opposites and yet, neither really wanted me to be myself, confusing uh?

My Mother, who had NO friends, would constantly worry 'what will people think' if I did not immediately transform myself into who she thought I should be that day. Yes, it was often a daily occurrence.
Tell people you're French, everyone knows French people are sexy.
Dye your hair blonde, no-one will wolf whistle you if you are not blonde.
Take off those glasses! Boys don't make passes at girls that wear glasses

On and on it went... a different day, a different person, with different heritage.

My Grandmother has many friends, lots of them, but she wanted me to be what she thought all her friends would approve of. She also said the words "What will people think?"
I turned 30 and my Grandmother was on my case immediately,
"You're 30 now, you have to cut your hair! what will people think if you leave it long?"
I had no clue as to why and when I asked was told it was the done thing, after 30 you're too old to have long hair. (My hair was and still is shoulder length)
I didn't cut it, and she would bring it up all the time over the years, telling me I'd have to DO SOMETHING because it was too long. Seriously, why so hung up on bloody hair!?

In different ways, my Mother and my Grandmother try to control every aspect of me. Thank God I don't live near them, I was able to sort of find myself but not for a long long time of living away.
I will never go back, I made myself a new life, my husband, children and I.

I got so exhausted trying to please them both and be what they both wanted, but neither of them ever wanted me to be myself, even though they don't even know the real me.

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Thursday 6 March 2014

Mother, why was I never good enough? Escaping Narcissim


Growing up with a Narcissistic Mother - her mental illness and why I had to walk away

I can remember, back to the beginning, about the age of 5.
My mother loved the spotlight, and she didn't care how she got it.

At my young age, I knew something was wrong with my Mother, she wasn't like the other mothers. Mine did not work, but would dress in exquisite outfits, she was always at the doctors, she lied a lot, and she made me lie with her.

I was often sick, but only when I was staying with her, not ever when I stayed with my Grandparents. I now realize that she, my mother, was making me sick. She reveled in talking to Doctors, she got a high from the attention of being sick, and telling others about it and of course when she felt she wasn't being taken seriously enough - us kids suddenly got sick. Violently sick. Having to be hospitalized sick.
It's not a coincidence.

This is: Münchausen syndrome by proxy
Münchausen syndrome by proxy (MSBP or MBP) is a term that is used to describe a behavior pattern in which a caregiver deliberately exaggerates, fabricates, and/or induces physical, psychological, behavioral, and/or mental health problems in those who are in their care. With deception at its core, this behavior is an elusive, potentially lethal, and frequently misunderstood form of child abuse or medical neglect that has been difficult to define, detect, and confirm.
To this day, I avoid Doctors incase anyone thinks I am like my mother. 

I tried to understand her, as I got older I was taught the opposite of what other mothers were teaching their daughters. She would buy revealing clothing for me, sexy underwear telling me I'd never get a man if I didn't wear the said outfits. I was only 12.
She would lecture on how we must sleep with men on first dates, or we would loose them. But in a twist of her beliefs, apparently only sluts wore tampons.

As the years went on she got worse, much worse, she wore evening wear everyday. She took pleasure in critercising me as I rarely dressed up. It became a competition to her, she would tout how much smaller her feet were to mine, how much tinier she was, how she came from French Royalty and that I should show people that I am "Well bred" - the truth is, there is no French ancestry. She is about 6 inches taller than me.

My mother has gorgeous straight dark hair and a flawless olive complexion. But she now started every sentence with "the Doctor said"
  • The doctor said I have the fairest skin he's ever seen
  • The doctor said I have the worse case of Osteoporosis 
When pointing out that maybe she shouldn't be wearing 6 inch heels if she has got bad Osteoporosis, her reply was "The Doctor said that flat shoes simply wouldn't suit me"
I made the mistake, once, of saying that she had beautiful olive skin, this was met by rage, she screamed and cried saying she had FAIR skin, NOT olive skin.

I learnt early to keep my mouth shut, when she would brag to others about accomplishments that did not exist, not to say a word. If you did, you'd get 'the look' which meant "Shut up and just you wait until you get home"
It's confusing for a child, you walk through a world where everything is pretend, and you don't really know what is real and what is make believe.

When I was around 14 she started buying me these big, wide elastic belts, I was made to wear them, to have an hour glass figure. They were tight, tighter than a corset.
This one is almost identical, she would run the belt in, several inches to make it smaller.
It was hard to breath and even harder to eat, if I took it off the words "What will people think if you get fat?? No one will want you"

Those words: "what will people think?" and "No one will want you" were said to me often, every day. I didn't know any different.


Since the kids all left home, she concentrated on daily Doctors appointments and of course any ailment was "The worst that the doctor has ever seen"
She wasn't interested in me. Infact at my wedding, she told me that I would loose my husband if I didn't wear more make-up. Yep - AT my wedding.

She also pretended to choke on a fish bone as the attention wasn't on her. We didn't have any fish at the wedding!!

My mother has no friends, which is sad, but she claims she is a threat to every woman's relationship - so women don't like her.

I had left town as a young adult, I still craved love and acceptance from my mother and tried to keep in contact on the phone with her, but it was always about her, when I would call and say one of my children had been born, she would cut me off - "Oh I went to the doctors today bla bla bla" and "have you ever had a pain....."

She liked to tell people she was Dux of the school and that she was a qualified Beautician. She did't finish school and has never done so much as a TAFE course, let alone work, she has never worked. Why lie?


7 years came and went, and I visited my hometown, I saw her and all she could do is stick her cheek out to me and of course, I kissed it.
There was no embrace. She just said "Don't you wear blush anymore?"
Then it's all about her.
She is constantly in the mirror (My Grandfather always said 'she was wearing out the mirror), she prances in evening wear, fishing for compliments, even through her attire was not appropriate or suitable for the time of day or occasion.
She is always telling stories of how random men come up to her and tell her how beautiful she is, How beautiful, how smart, how amazing.

She always gives out a photo of herself at Christmas, every Christmas.

Just like when I was a child, as an adult she still talked about herself in bed, making sure we all know that she sleeps in the nude (I think I just vomited a bit in my mouth) and how men find her so attractive. If you mention a female, she twists her face and says "Oh her, she looks so old"

One way to really get her on her high horse is for someone to ask if her hair is naturally curly. She has it permed and hot rollers it every day, she always says it's natural. Actually she has said more than once that curly hair is far 'superior" to straight hair. She is very insecure.

I have protected my children from her behavior at all costs. I like to think I gave them a good childhood, we are all close so I must have not done a bad job.

I looked at other daughters and their Mum's, wishing I could have that too, It would never happen, she didn't want me, she wants attention, she wants to hurt.
I just made sure all my children had their mother. One that always has a warm embrace and who encourages and loves unconditionally.

Her father (my Grandfather) died. Oh his death bed she was saying "Oh I have to get a new outfit for the funeral" - he was on his death bed - he wasn't yet dead. This was followed by a full on tantrum from her at his funeral because she believed there should have been photo's of her up above his coffin.

My mother has not owned a TV for 15 years. She has a boyfriend and claims that he will "Look at other women" if she has a TV, so she disposed of her TV.
She believes that men, who are attached, should "Look down" when they go anywhere, or they will "look at other women"
I'm pretty sure she did that with my father too.
Over the years, her fake accent has become part of her. She puts on this really upper class British Accent. She has never been to the UK.

She has 2 daughters and 1 son, our brother is "The Golden Child" - and it worries me, the way she talks about him in a sexual way, stating that he has a "Sexy Bum" - I mean really? I have 2 son's and I couldn't even tell you what their bums are like, I have never looked at them in that way.
She pit sister against sister many years ago, all lies, lies and more lies. I have not seen my sister in about 25 years and I probably won't again. All because our mother would take delight in creating bad blood and drama with things that were not true.
Both my sister and I have been No Contact with our mother for many years.

Often, my mother would say (insert British accent here) "Oh I was in the car park and a man came up to me and said 'oh you are just so tiny and so beautiful'" - I don't believe it, this stuff doesn't happen. She is very thin but she is tall, not tiny anyway!


The more I tried to connect with her, the more she would critercise me. Always about how I looked, I am just a normal looking person, not a raving beauty but just normal. I just wanted her to love me, I just wanted a Mum, but it was never to be.

I studied and received qualifications, I worked hard, loved my husband and children, and I did some really fun and interesting things, still, it was never good enough.
She found fault in everything, even down to how I have my coffee. In my mothers world, only MEN drink strong coffee without sugar, a lady has weak sweet milky coffee and she puts her pinkie finger out straight when drinking it, I felt like snapping it off.


I wanted to shake her, to tell her to stop pretending, stop lying, just be normal! Stop being so cold!
But you know.... it wouldn't have worked, because she has a mental illness. It's one that cannot be fixed and certainly not one she would acknowledge. She of course thinks she is not the problem, that she is a wonderful mother. She believes, that we are the problem.

She also has OCD thrown in for good measure, she won't eat the crust off a slice of bread, because a baker has touched it and she obsessively washes her hands.My Grandfather was very OCD also. Maybe she got that part from him.

She packs pillows around herself at night so she cannot roll over as that will cause wrinkles. She hasn't got any either, not even laugh lines, but I can never actually remember her smiling. She never smiled.

Once when we were kids we were throwing a balloon around, the balloon hit her in the head, and she was crying and screaming that it hit her in the temple and she had to go to hospital or she would die etc etc, this is a BALLOON, you know, thin rubber filled with AIR, you couldn't hurt yourself with a balloon if you tried... tie this behavior in with the daily Doctor visits, she has Hypochondria.


I wanted to yell "Stop going to a different church each week, and leaving because they don't pay you enough attention! Church doesn't care what you wear, stop lying about everything, stop pretending you are a French Princess, stop the stupid fake accent, Stop! Stop! Stop!"
"Why can't you love me? Am I really that hideous? you want to change everything about me, so much so that for so long I didn't even know who I am, or what is true or what is fake. Shouldn't a mothers love be unconditional? Why do you have so many conditions on me? and mother, I want to tell you something else. Now that I am 43 years old and have been no contact with you for years"
  • It makes no difference if I wear loads of makeup or not - my husband loves me! 
  • I don't need an hour glass figure - my husband, kids and Granddaughters love me even with my thicker waist
  • You lied about the tampons
  • You lied about having to sleep with men to keep them
  • I realize that it's what is in ones heart that counts
  • Your "poor woe is me" act has no effect on me now
  • I won't be part of your fantasy land ever again
  • I know that God would prefer one to earnestly pray than to dress up to the nines for church wanting praise
  • I love my children unconditionally and I am proud of them and I tell them so - Something you could never do
  • I know that making a young girl wear sexy underwear is wrong and would never subject my daughters to that, like you did to me
  • I will never lie about my achievements , like you lied and continue to lie about yours. Fantasy achievements don't count!
  • Actually, I just don't lie
  • I never pit my children against each other, in fact, I have taught tolerance and family values. Unlike you Mother, who delighted in lying to each child about what their siblings said and then you would stand back and enjoy the show, of course claiming your innocence 
  • I know now, that a fake accent and fake life does not make people worship you, it just makes you weird
  • I don't want your life of drama, I like peace and harmony
  • You gave me a name that YOU wanted, well I changed it 20 years ago, it was and still is, FREEDOM
  • I know, you will never admit to being a bad mother, but you are
  • I do not share your views on judging people
  • I know, that life is NOT all about YOU and pleasing YOU and complimenting YOU or being pulled into your land of lies and BS. 
  • I am me, and I know you don't like it, but you cannot control me anymore
  • I am glad I protected my children from a childhood like I endured and it paid off, they are wonderful, confident young adults and a young girl.
  • Lastly, I feel sorry for you. A Narcissist never has peace within themselves. 


I read the book, "Will I ever be good enough" healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,by Dr Karyl McBride and the penny dropped, this book was all about my mothers condition. Like so many women before me, they had to go No Contact just to keep our own sanity. We cannot change these people. We can just move forward with our own lives.

That is what I had to do.
I can't fix my mother, I can't make her normal, and I could not continue being a thing she used for blame.

It's hard to put my story into words, but I've tried.

I didn't have a childhood, she laid out all her adult problems onto me since I was very small, it was always as if I was the mother and she was the child. The last time I saw her, she was still reverting back to a small child in lots of ways, always wanting attention, "Look at me! look at me!"
I had to walk away for me. Everything has always been about her, I did all I could, I just couldn't do it anymore, for my own sake and my own life, I turned my back and I never contacted her again. I know she is telling people all sorts of fancy and elaborate lies, but surely many can see the truth, and if they don't - I'm sorry, but I don't have any regrets.
I did not have a childhood thanks to her condition, I am not going to give up the rest of my life.
I refuse to have my children grow up insecure, seeking love and acceptance, like I did.

These are the rules my mother lives by, all of this is laughable but sadly it's all true. If you are the daughter of a Narcissist, you will understand....

  1. Curly hair is far superior to straight hair. Do everything you can to make hair curly, if you have straight hair make sure you have a perm and hot roller it everyday! If anyone asks if you hair is natural make sure you lie and say YES.
  2. A lady never wears pants / shorts, a lady always wears dresses or at the very least skirts and blouses. Always wear stockings and matching high heels.
  3. A lady never demeans herself to working in the garden, if you must venture out into it make sure you are fully made up (full makeup) hair done, evening dress, high heels.
  4. A doctor is of the highest standing, make sure you visit one at least 4 times a week no matter how small the ailment, dress accordingly (evening wear) and make sure the Doctor (and everyone else) knows you have the worst symptoms ever, this way you can gain sympathy and knowing looks from everyone around you. If someone brings up something they have medically had – be sure you jump in right away pointing out that you have had the same exact thing – only worse, much much worse. Point out the Doctor has told you all your ailments are the worst they have ever seen (even if he hasn’t)
  5.  Always back up everything you say with a professional’s opinion. For example: If you are complaining of the worst sore legs or back in the entire world, and someone suggests that perhaps, it is the 15 inch heels you wear all the time, back up your statement with the following: “My Doctor says that flat heels would not suit me at all, and that high heels do no damage whatsoever and due to the fact flat shoes do not suit my feet and don’t make my legs nearly as attractive, I must continue to wear high heels”
  6.  Be sure to use the word “Refined” as much as you can, for example, you can tell people you do not like vulgarity because “I am refined” (do not forget your British accent)
  7.   Be proud of the fact that you believe you can be a ‘threat’ to every marriage or partnership in the country. Make sure you tell everyone how men approach you daily claiming that  you are just “so beautiful and so tiny” say it over and over and over and over......
  8.  No TV’s allowed! No TV should grace the house of a lady, your man would be ‘looking at other women’ if you do. Only listen to “The National Radio” (commonly known as the ABC) but really it IS the classiest station around. If you do visit a household that has a tv and it is on, make sure that when a woman in on the tv (news reader, advertisements, normal shows) that the men LOOK DOWN AT THE GROUND.
  9. If you are out with your male, make sure they look to the ground if another woman walks past, if they don’t look down you must nag them, make them feel bad and call them a pervert. It should not matter that your man is looking at the ground your entire shopping trip!
  10. A girlish giggle never goes out of fashion, be sure to do this when men are in the room, put out your hand for them to (hopefully) kiss it, if they aren’t refined enough for that look into their eyes and smile, giggle and enchant them.
  11. When you see other women, make sure you show your disapproval with a sour face, and make sure everyone knows how OLD she looks for her age. When referring to other females start with “OH that...”
  12.  Corsets never went out of style, an hourglass figure is so important, wear one every day. Get a bra at least 3 sizes too big and stuff it so that you get the figure a lady should have. Even if one starts drooping and is lopsided, deny all knowledge of it being stuffed!
  13.  Even at your own mother’s house, if you have a cup of coffee – wash the cup out yourself first and then claim “there was a black thing in it” and if eating sandwiches NEVER eat the crust, the bakers have touched the crust so never eat it.
  14.  A lady has weak coffee with lots of sugar and milk, quarter strength at the most. A man has strong coffee with no sugar. Never bend these rules!
  15.  At night, when you are in bed NEVER lay on your side, put things around you so that you can only remain on your back to prevent wrinkles!
  16.   Never show any warmth of loving to anyone but oneself! That includes children, grandchildren, mothers, aunts – any female. Simply put your cheek out for them to kiss it but keep your distance. Keep them on their toes by keeping compliments to non-existent, and make sure you have a small critical comment as a greeting such as: “don’t you wear blush anymore?” – “Goodness have you put on weight?” – “you would be much more attractive with curly hair”
  17. Give photos of yourself out at Christmas (EVERY CHRISTMAS!)
  18. If phoned in an emergency, show the hospital staff just how refined and upper class you are, for example, if the hospital calls you and tells you that your mother has had a stroke, calmly tell them in your best upper-class voice, this: “I am having my lunch at the moment, then I will get dressed and ready and come over” never hurry with your hair, makeup or lunch! The hospital will know how important you are the longer you take to get there.
  19. A lady does not drive at night, or in the rain. A lady is quite helpless and let it be known that it is a man’s job to drive in the dark and in the rain, A lady does not clean a car or do any lifting whatsoever, let them know how helpless a lady is and you will be known as ‘refined’
  20. Tell everyone that the ‘doctor said’ you have the ‘fairest skin they have ever seen!” – even though your skin IS really dark olive. Claim distaste and offence when someone points out that you have lovely dark skin, and deny it! In Diane’s world -  fair skin is far superior to dark skin, and make sure you back up that your skin is actually fair by ‘the doctor said’
  21. If you have 2 daughters, lie to both of them and make sure you pit sister against sister so that they never talk again!
  22.  Make sure your daughters are so insecure within themselves you hope they will hero worship you for being so perfect! If they cut you from their lives make sure you let everyone know that you are the victim and were a wonderful mother!
  23.  Tell everyone how The golden child (son) has a ‘sexy bum’ and how much he “loves his mum!” – tell the world how people go up to you in the street and say “Who was that young man with you? He is just sooooooo handsome and soooooo well dressed!”
  24. If your father is passing away in a nursing home, make sure you let him know that you are now going out to shop for what to wear at his funeral! It doesn’t matter that he can hear you, and that he hasn’t passed away yet, you are positive he is thrilled that you really are a princess and should dress accordingly.
  25. When your father passes away, don’t lower yourself to helping your mother or brother with the arrangements! Goodness, just shop for a cabaret style outfit for the funeral so you can be admired.
  26. When there is no photo of you put up above the casket, make sure you show your displeasure by throwing a huge tantrum, make sure that everyone knows there ‘should be a photo of you” up there instead of your father! Then blast your brother because he was helping with the arrangements, surely he should have realised how special you are and people would much rather see a photo of you up there instead of your deceased father in his military uniform? Everyone wants to see how “Well bred” you are!
  27. Do not show any empathy for your mother, it doesn’t matter that she is missing her life partner of 65 years; it should be all about you!
  28. Always remember, you are the victim, you don’t do anything wrong! Deny! Deny! Deny! People are just jealous of your beauty and brains! Remember you are just a ‘little thing’ even at 5 foot 11 people say you are tall, but you are not, make sure they KNOW how little you are, even your foot size! (even though they are normal average size feet people must believe they are tiny!) – compete with your daughter over this, if she has a smaller stature and / or smaller feet than you – turn the situation around and claim it’s you who is smaller!
  29. Tell everyone that you are a qualified beautician! It doesn’t matter that you weren’t aware that it’s a 4 year apprenticeship and study to become one, and you’ve never worked or studied a day in your whole life... no-one else has to know that! Who knew that receiving so many beauty treatments didn’t at least qualify you in some way...? Being kept by a man is much more dignified, but if anyone asks, tell them you are a beautician! Beauty is everything and people will respect you for knowing that beauty is number 1.
  30. Tell your daughters, you must must must improve your bust and never let anyone see you without makeup (how else will you attract men?). You must sleep with men on the first date or you will lose them! However – if you use tampons you are a ‘tart’
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